tower over me

so everything seems so up in the air right now. getting sick and paying doctors' bills (yes, multiple bills from multiple doctors) and losing work hours... not good for the college kid.

i am better though. i took my last band-aid off yesterday... hopefully. i'm going to have hailey check it out in the morning, see how it's doing. so fingers crossed, i don't get a cyst again. however, it could happen. that doesn't leave me happy. like i said, fingers crossed!

in other news, i created a twitter. i feel more connected with ellen and dane cook. which, of course, is my lot in life. mission accomplished.

the office almost gave me a heart attack tonight. watch it if you dare.

boys still suck.

i really want to start eating a little healthier and MAYBE actually excercising once in a while. we'll see.

nicole's lingerie shower is saturday. we have the best game planned. i'm excited.

probably the most shocking news of all, it's now been over two months since i've had any communication whatsoever with adam. i feel so abandoned by him. for the entire week i had staph and didn't know one minute from the next if i was going to be hospitalized i kept thinking about it. not that i wished we were together, just that i could call him. every night around 1am i started freaking out thinking (worst case scenario, of course) that i could be VERY sick, possibly deathly, when i woke up. and my one companion that i knew i could tell anything to, was no longer a part of my life. i've honestly never felt that before. it made me so angry with him and with myself. i only wish i hadn't invested so much of myself in it. i know it's my fault. but something awful happened to me, and it could have been even worse, and he would have never known...

goodnight, i'm sad.

dodge. duck. dip. dive. and. dodge.

i haven't said anything in a while. it's because i fear there isn't anything to write about. my classes are going well, although i question some of my teachers' intelligence. i feel that they use words like "sociological" because they know it's important for the subject they're lecturing over.

i went to black church this week. it was interesting. a lot of people disagree with the preacher, but i've figured out why he's so set in his ways. he has been through so much in his life. he was very involved in the civil rights movement and fought in korea. he has had to stand up for what he believes in so often and so fervently that he is now like a stonewall. i can't argue with a man who has seen what he has or fought for what he actually fought for. he has survived it all and i respect him for that.

that made me start thinking about my life. what are people going to respect me for when i'm like 75? so far, nothing. i lived during the 9/11 attacks, but did nothing to help. except for write a poem. i did some stuff in high school with journalism and theater. but nothing that will mean anything in twenty years.

of course, this should be a good thing. no one will have to say "my grandma fought to save her own life during a riot." or something horrible like that. but still, it makes me feel so obsolete.

i'm selfish and pitiful.

miss everyone.

Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll!

I had the BEST weekend of my life. and here's the one reason for it.

It was a crisp Saturday evening when Adam took me to my first ever hockey game. The St. Louis Blues were playing the Chicago Blackhawks (this is where I break to remind you that we are cheering for St. Louis because that's where we were).
The pregame was great because the group that came to sit behind us was packed with goofy almost drunk college guys. They were witty and not overly offensive. Just my kind of guys.
Sadly, within the first two minutes the Blackhawks snuck in a far too easy goal. Soon the Blues were trailing 2-0. By the end second period, though, they had scored their first goal. In the middle of the third period, they had gotten the score up to 3-2 only trailing by one goal... however, in a hockey game, one goal means everything.
I was really getting into the game a lot more aggressively than I had anticipated. By the last 3 minutes of the third period I was so busy concentrating and getting anxious I had forgotten how much my nose felt like it had frozen and felt like it could shatter.
The end of the period drew nearer as fans were screaming louder than I'd ever heard at a live sporting event. Granted, I haven't been to one since high school.
Then AMAZINGLY in the last 18 SECONDS the Blues scored the goal that tied up the game and threw it into overtime.
The crowd was screaming, the almost drunk college guys were jumping all over the place (include on my back)...
... and then time stopped...
In an instant I had gone from screaming new fan to girl who's dreams were coming true. He took me in his arms, dipped me back as far as the stands would allow and kissed me for what seemed like an eternity (in a good way). I can't describe how much my head and my heart were working together to feel the excitement of that moment but to also remember each millisecond of the most amazing kiss I had ever received.

I think my head and my heart made a pretty good team. Never again will I watch a sports movie and see the couple kiss after the game winning score and wish that were me.



and by the way, the blues won in a shootout after a no scoring overtime. it was the greatest thing i've seen live since my high school basketball team won state in the last two seconds.

i'm emotionally slutty

i give it up on the first date.

my personality that is.

i hope we have milk. i really want some cereal.

i've been at school for two weeks.  that's two weeks less time i have to wonder what's going to happen in the future.  that's really the only way i look at time anymore.  how much longer do i have to wonder?

and there's no stopping it.  i think about it day and night.  of course, i think about necessary things too. like starving kids and God and my salvation.  but taking up a lot of my time, is wondering...    it's really hard to look at your life and really have no idea where it's going.  this is the most solid "relationship" i've ever been in and to be honest, i have NO CLUE what's going on!

i have no intention of ending it.  he doesn't either.  i have every intention of being with him, no matter where it is, how long it takes or ... well those are the only two things i can think of to be defiant toward in this situation.  so basically, my future is like this big white room with tons and tons of words on papers just lying in the floor.  there's no tape... there are no nails or tacks.  it's just papers, with words on them.  and all i know is, someday someone is going to break through that door and hand me a huge roll of tape and i can start putting my story on the wall.  i can say "dating" or "blissfully ever after" or "we're pregnant"

until then... i hope the wind doesn't blow away all the good words...

meanwhile, in an apartment across town

i'm sitting in what has been dubbed "our room" for the weekend at least. his mess is everywhere. i love it. it's what i've been missing about him for over a year now. and i couldn't be more thrilled that i came.

well, i could, if i didn't have to leave in 15 hours...

i'm a crazy girl who gets herself into stinky messes.

i couldn't help but wonder

for a great number of people living in today's world, happiness is a result of what we have. in most cases, what we buy. a great new dress can make us feel powerful. heels make us feel taller. makeup, appealing. food, instantly gratified. and entertainment, sans stress from the outside world.

the more i thought about how the things we buy affect the outlook we have on life (and ourselves), i realized how my spending has become more frugal due to america's recent and very drastic price increases. we're conserving gas, water, food, utilities, and yes, most depressing of all, our shopping allowance.

and considering how this has begun to affect each of us individually, i couldn't help but wonder, are we conserving our happiness? and if so, what for?

we're trying to be a mix of conservationist and minimalist society, but how far can that go? can we honestly accept the fact that things cost more, and therefore, our happiness? can we really stop living in a material world and stop being material girls?

i never consider myself to be such a girl. however, recently i've accepted the tiny bit of elitism that i possess. i love shopping and fashion and i'm not afraid to say it. i'd die before dating someone who frequented the cowboy hat trend, or worse, crocs. i'm not saying that i'm high fashion material by any means. in saying i love fashion, i'm saying i enjoy looking at what someone has put together and deciding if they had a clue what they were doing, or if they even looked in the mirror before they left their house.

so in saying all of this, can we accept that, along with our gas, the price of happiness has increased? and once we do (or don't), will we give in and pay the price?