and just like that

i've noticed something lately that i find interesting about the human experience while being entertained. for moments, even only a few, after a movie or television show (even a sports event), we change. for instance, dance movies always make me feel incredibly light on my feet, despite my complete lack of salsa or ballet skills. spy movies tend to convince me that i'm swift and sneaky. any movie depicting the model lifestyle makes me strut like i'm wearing dior.

why is it that i can trick myself into believing i'm something i'm not after seeing someone who is? i think that somewhere, no matter how deeply it's buried, there is a dancer, spy or model in all of us. hell, there may even be a gymnast or football player if we catch them on ESPN at the right time.

so is it really a bad thing to morph into something we wish we could be, even if it's just for 5 minutes? i guess it really all depends on how you feel at the end of the day. after the credits have rolled. after the quick stretch and yawn that inevitably comes at the end of every theater visit. and yes, after the goodnight kiss. as long as we feel like we are who we are, BUT realize that we really can be whoever we want, i think we'll all be alright with getting lost in translation somewhere between the pirouette and the final quarter.

i'm not done

"he's just an ordinary man trying to do a great man's work, while the great men are all busy making bombs."

talk about profound. i understand that this might make me sound incredibly liberal and anti-war. truth is, i have no idea where i stand on the issue. and, for now, i'm fine with having NO opinion. but i could help but to think it was something beautiful to be said. not just about scientists and doctors and... well other "geniuses" who are dedicating their lives to at least trying to make the world a little better of a place to live.

i don't really even know how i'm going to expound on his point. but maybe i'll figure something out later.

freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.

one important thing.  i love janis joplin.  i knew i would.  and i do.

there's something about coming back to places you haven't been in a while that is strange.  for instance, i visited searcy this weekend.  being here on a visit is very weird to me.  i am glad i came because i missed EVERYONE.  but it's weird that people were here that i used to see every day... and i wasn't.  it's almost like i completely dropped out and it's an actual school year.  whatever, it's weird.

i finally have a nice black skirt to wear so i can wear my sexy new shoes.  that's good.  i know none of this is important.

but this is.  why is it that with one man, women can be completely comfortable with (in more ways than one)  but others, we automatically turn into an adolescent who has no idea how to act around the opposite sex?  is it that the men are different?  or worse, is it true that we really have no idea what we want?

like all ladies, i find myself feeling lonely from time to time.  and sometimes, wishing there was just someone who'll hold me.  also, sometimes i find myself way too nervous around men to even sit close to them on a bench.  am i lying to myself on what kind of woman i am?  have i been doing this to myself and men my entire life??

yes, yes i have.

i forgot who i was around him

so when he came back into my life as a for real companion, i panicked.
every time an old friend re-enters my life i can easily fall back into that personality. the one i had while i was with them. you know, cynical. or bubbly, or you know, just a plain bitch. sometimes i was overly dramatic. so obviously, i feel like a different person with every single one of my friends.

so while i was panicking, i thought, ok well we'll just see if i fall back into whoever it was.

and you know what i found. me. i was exactly myself. no gimmicks. no games. no overly cynical witicisms. not nauseatingly bubbly. just a girl. hanging out with her friends. with no inhibitions.

i realized how much i liked myself when i was with him. how uncomplicated of a girl i could be. i have never been more comfortable around anyone. then i thought, oh crap, i'm going to throw girlfriends into the mix and things will get completely weird. and they didn't. at all. he saw me again. still! the same natalie i always was.

so this is me. thanking God for such a good friend. because this is one of the first times i've truly enjoyed being who i am in a long, long time.

it's up to you

i had a terrible dream. i married an ex. the most recent one... yuck. and basically he was a dead beat. duh!

i kept having to make excuses for him and why he wasn't around and didn't seem very interested in me.

so, friends, you can't let me marry someone like that. you'll all have PLENTY of opportunities to see if he's the guy for me. and, TACTFULLY tell me what you think.

<3

i'm getting carried away

to begin, i should let everyone know i've started watching sex and the city. a lot. all the time.
i know you'll all wonder who i'm talking about. and guess what, i'm not telling you. if i haven't already... amber...

:late night text message to...someone... at 3:21 am on june 14th/15th:
" so i'm still up, but this is all i have to say. over the span of our friendship i've found myself missing so many things about you. your hug, your smile, your ticklishness. even your f***ing video games. but now, for the first time, i've found myself missing your kiss"
**yes, a strategically placed f*** can bring preciousness to any gesture of love**

guys, don't judge me for what i'm writing here. i know you all know me. and this isn't "news" to any of you... but there's someone new... but not new. the feelings are though.

i wish i could say this is the first time i've considered a VERY serious relationship with someone. but it's not... i can't even say that it's different this time because we've known each other for years... because i've always "known them for years."

i can, however, say i had loved him since the first time i met him. even it was a silly girl thing, i knew we would have something special. and we did. we do. it's our friendship.

there really is something to be said for falling for your best friend. your best friend knows you. they've always called you for company while running errands. they take naps with you, rub your back. they make sure you don't cry alone, and are NEVER going to say "i just need some space." the best friend is the one that has seen you without make-up. has smelled the worst of your bad breath. has already found out the nerdiest of your nerdy qualities and only loves you more for them. (and vice-versa)

so, when you finally give in to the love for a best friend, you find yourself asking... how long have we actually been a couple? sure we'd never sworn each other to monogamy. we didn't regularly kiss when saying goodnight. but when you have had months worth of intimacy where the only thing missing is... you know... you have to be proud of what you have accomplished. you've shared almost everything when someone and they didn't flee. you've even been crazy enough to test your boundaries and TRIED to annoy them and the son-of-a-bitch still won't budge.

i'm telling you... this is good.

so no, i can't say it's the first time, but you never know when it's your last.

wish me luck.