cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea

i feel like all i can do is post blogs. what is that even?
boy, summer is going to be full of these.
kris just told me a goofy joke.
watching dog the bounty hunter instead of packing. funny how he can be sooooo sweet after being so scary.

grrrrrrrrr. where is my motivation????

I FEEL MUCH BETTER

i have gotten to talk some things out with a few of my friends. this makes me be able to breathe and feel good about things that i SHOULD feel good about.

he introduced me as "natalie, my girlfriend" for the first time today. it felt like the first time i'd ever been introduced in such a way. which was fun. no matter my past, everything feels so different and new, and i like that. i'm an entirely different girl (and i mean that in a good way).

i do have a headache and should be studying for my play therapy final. but there are so many things i'd rather do.

I ALWAYS say i don't understand how people can "forget" to eat... until today. because i did.

such a day

i'm on the phone with at&t because there was a misunderstanding and my phone was shut off. i'm pretty sure i'm talking to carol channing... which is making me want to laugh.

it's muggy and even though i took at shower before bed i feel disgusting.

when i cleaned out my fridge i spilled green olive juice ALL over myself and no amount of dial is saving me!

i feel rushed.

i want to feel happy. and i'm trying not to let other people's opinions get to me.

<3

he did it, i am too

my boyfriend's name is kris hines. yep.

he's tall. and he's got the best smile you'll ever see. (and he just blushed)

:)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME...

staph... still running rampant through my body.

i'm about to cry.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know why i've lost (soon to be) $600 or more because people wouldn't just listen to me and write me a $4 prescription. twice i've asked and my concerns were dismissed.

now who knows, i could get stuck in the hospital...

i need hugs.

the whole truth and nothing but said truth

sorry if i offend anyone with my insensitive metaphor (or technically, it's personification)... but it's the only way i can explain it.

my phone had a stroke. it was temporarily paralyzed on the left side. i called apple. of course, they were accommodating.
BUT THEN, it just magically started working again. HOURS after troubleshooting techniques! wonderful no?

i'm hearing all about relationship problems that i don't care about from a certain roommate of mine. but i'll get over it.

i miss amber. but i'm patient.

i have NO idea what i'm doing in december after i graduate. andrea will most likely be in one of three places: russellville, new york city, or los angeles.

if she is in russellville, i will be in van buren with my parents. i will most likely substitute teach for a while because i will have an easy time getting a job there.
if she is in new york city... of course, i'll be with her. we will be fulfilling a dream that has lived longer than most... umm pets that live 5 years. haha.
if she is in los angeles... i'll probably be there too. because i've never been there and i wouldn't mind living in the sun for a while!!

i'm afraid about something. a few things.

bad luck

d22023153

that's my SECOND iphone repair id number... hopefully my last.

tower over me

so everything seems so up in the air right now. getting sick and paying doctors' bills (yes, multiple bills from multiple doctors) and losing work hours... not good for the college kid.

i am better though. i took my last band-aid off yesterday... hopefully. i'm going to have hailey check it out in the morning, see how it's doing. so fingers crossed, i don't get a cyst again. however, it could happen. that doesn't leave me happy. like i said, fingers crossed!

in other news, i created a twitter. i feel more connected with ellen and dane cook. which, of course, is my lot in life. mission accomplished.

the office almost gave me a heart attack tonight. watch it if you dare.

boys still suck.

i really want to start eating a little healthier and MAYBE actually excercising once in a while. we'll see.

nicole's lingerie shower is saturday. we have the best game planned. i'm excited.

probably the most shocking news of all, it's now been over two months since i've had any communication whatsoever with adam. i feel so abandoned by him. for the entire week i had staph and didn't know one minute from the next if i was going to be hospitalized i kept thinking about it. not that i wished we were together, just that i could call him. every night around 1am i started freaking out thinking (worst case scenario, of course) that i could be VERY sick, possibly deathly, when i woke up. and my one companion that i knew i could tell anything to, was no longer a part of my life. i've honestly never felt that before. it made me so angry with him and with myself. i only wish i hadn't invested so much of myself in it. i know it's my fault. but something awful happened to me, and it could have been even worse, and he would have never known...

goodnight, i'm sad.

dodge. duck. dip. dive. and. dodge.

i haven't said anything in a while. it's because i fear there isn't anything to write about. my classes are going well, although i question some of my teachers' intelligence. i feel that they use words like "sociological" because they know it's important for the subject they're lecturing over.

i went to black church this week. it was interesting. a lot of people disagree with the preacher, but i've figured out why he's so set in his ways. he has been through so much in his life. he was very involved in the civil rights movement and fought in korea. he has had to stand up for what he believes in so often and so fervently that he is now like a stonewall. i can't argue with a man who has seen what he has or fought for what he actually fought for. he has survived it all and i respect him for that.

that made me start thinking about my life. what are people going to respect me for when i'm like 75? so far, nothing. i lived during the 9/11 attacks, but did nothing to help. except for write a poem. i did some stuff in high school with journalism and theater. but nothing that will mean anything in twenty years.

of course, this should be a good thing. no one will have to say "my grandma fought to save her own life during a riot." or something horrible like that. but still, it makes me feel so obsolete.

i'm selfish and pitiful.

miss everyone.