meanwhile, in an apartment across town

i'm sitting in what has been dubbed "our room" for the weekend at least. his mess is everywhere. i love it. it's what i've been missing about him for over a year now. and i couldn't be more thrilled that i came.

well, i could, if i didn't have to leave in 15 hours...

i'm a crazy girl who gets herself into stinky messes.

i couldn't help but wonder

for a great number of people living in today's world, happiness is a result of what we have. in most cases, what we buy. a great new dress can make us feel powerful. heels make us feel taller. makeup, appealing. food, instantly gratified. and entertainment, sans stress from the outside world.

the more i thought about how the things we buy affect the outlook we have on life (and ourselves), i realized how my spending has become more frugal due to america's recent and very drastic price increases. we're conserving gas, water, food, utilities, and yes, most depressing of all, our shopping allowance.

and considering how this has begun to affect each of us individually, i couldn't help but wonder, are we conserving our happiness? and if so, what for?

we're trying to be a mix of conservationist and minimalist society, but how far can that go? can we honestly accept the fact that things cost more, and therefore, our happiness? can we really stop living in a material world and stop being material girls?

i never consider myself to be such a girl. however, recently i've accepted the tiny bit of elitism that i possess. i love shopping and fashion and i'm not afraid to say it. i'd die before dating someone who frequented the cowboy hat trend, or worse, crocs. i'm not saying that i'm high fashion material by any means. in saying i love fashion, i'm saying i enjoy looking at what someone has put together and deciding if they had a clue what they were doing, or if they even looked in the mirror before they left their house.

so in saying all of this, can we accept that, along with our gas, the price of happiness has increased? and once we do (or don't), will we give in and pay the price?

and just like that

i've noticed something lately that i find interesting about the human experience while being entertained. for moments, even only a few, after a movie or television show (even a sports event), we change. for instance, dance movies always make me feel incredibly light on my feet, despite my complete lack of salsa or ballet skills. spy movies tend to convince me that i'm swift and sneaky. any movie depicting the model lifestyle makes me strut like i'm wearing dior.

why is it that i can trick myself into believing i'm something i'm not after seeing someone who is? i think that somewhere, no matter how deeply it's buried, there is a dancer, spy or model in all of us. hell, there may even be a gymnast or football player if we catch them on ESPN at the right time.

so is it really a bad thing to morph into something we wish we could be, even if it's just for 5 minutes? i guess it really all depends on how you feel at the end of the day. after the credits have rolled. after the quick stretch and yawn that inevitably comes at the end of every theater visit. and yes, after the goodnight kiss. as long as we feel like we are who we are, BUT realize that we really can be whoever we want, i think we'll all be alright with getting lost in translation somewhere between the pirouette and the final quarter.

i'm not done

"he's just an ordinary man trying to do a great man's work, while the great men are all busy making bombs."

talk about profound. i understand that this might make me sound incredibly liberal and anti-war. truth is, i have no idea where i stand on the issue. and, for now, i'm fine with having NO opinion. but i could help but to think it was something beautiful to be said. not just about scientists and doctors and... well other "geniuses" who are dedicating their lives to at least trying to make the world a little better of a place to live.

i don't really even know how i'm going to expound on his point. but maybe i'll figure something out later.

freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.

one important thing.  i love janis joplin.  i knew i would.  and i do.

there's something about coming back to places you haven't been in a while that is strange.  for instance, i visited searcy this weekend.  being here on a visit is very weird to me.  i am glad i came because i missed EVERYONE.  but it's weird that people were here that i used to see every day... and i wasn't.  it's almost like i completely dropped out and it's an actual school year.  whatever, it's weird.

i finally have a nice black skirt to wear so i can wear my sexy new shoes.  that's good.  i know none of this is important.

but this is.  why is it that with one man, women can be completely comfortable with (in more ways than one)  but others, we automatically turn into an adolescent who has no idea how to act around the opposite sex?  is it that the men are different?  or worse, is it true that we really have no idea what we want?

like all ladies, i find myself feeling lonely from time to time.  and sometimes, wishing there was just someone who'll hold me.  also, sometimes i find myself way too nervous around men to even sit close to them on a bench.  am i lying to myself on what kind of woman i am?  have i been doing this to myself and men my entire life??

yes, yes i have.

i forgot who i was around him

so when he came back into my life as a for real companion, i panicked.
every time an old friend re-enters my life i can easily fall back into that personality. the one i had while i was with them. you know, cynical. or bubbly, or you know, just a plain bitch. sometimes i was overly dramatic. so obviously, i feel like a different person with every single one of my friends.

so while i was panicking, i thought, ok well we'll just see if i fall back into whoever it was.

and you know what i found. me. i was exactly myself. no gimmicks. no games. no overly cynical witicisms. not nauseatingly bubbly. just a girl. hanging out with her friends. with no inhibitions.

i realized how much i liked myself when i was with him. how uncomplicated of a girl i could be. i have never been more comfortable around anyone. then i thought, oh crap, i'm going to throw girlfriends into the mix and things will get completely weird. and they didn't. at all. he saw me again. still! the same natalie i always was.

so this is me. thanking God for such a good friend. because this is one of the first times i've truly enjoyed being who i am in a long, long time.

it's up to you

i had a terrible dream. i married an ex. the most recent one... yuck. and basically he was a dead beat. duh!

i kept having to make excuses for him and why he wasn't around and didn't seem very interested in me.

so, friends, you can't let me marry someone like that. you'll all have PLENTY of opportunities to see if he's the guy for me. and, TACTFULLY tell me what you think.

<3