cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea

i feel like all i can do is post blogs. what is that even?
boy, summer is going to be full of these.
kris just told me a goofy joke.
watching dog the bounty hunter instead of packing. funny how he can be sooooo sweet after being so scary.

grrrrrrrrr. where is my motivation????

I FEEL MUCH BETTER

i have gotten to talk some things out with a few of my friends. this makes me be able to breathe and feel good about things that i SHOULD feel good about.

he introduced me as "natalie, my girlfriend" for the first time today. it felt like the first time i'd ever been introduced in such a way. which was fun. no matter my past, everything feels so different and new, and i like that. i'm an entirely different girl (and i mean that in a good way).

i do have a headache and should be studying for my play therapy final. but there are so many things i'd rather do.

I ALWAYS say i don't understand how people can "forget" to eat... until today. because i did.

such a day

i'm on the phone with at&t because there was a misunderstanding and my phone was shut off. i'm pretty sure i'm talking to carol channing... which is making me want to laugh.

it's muggy and even though i took at shower before bed i feel disgusting.

when i cleaned out my fridge i spilled green olive juice ALL over myself and no amount of dial is saving me!

i feel rushed.

i want to feel happy. and i'm trying not to let other people's opinions get to me.

<3

he did it, i am too

my boyfriend's name is kris hines. yep.

he's tall. and he's got the best smile you'll ever see. (and he just blushed)

:)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME...

staph... still running rampant through my body.

i'm about to cry.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know why i've lost (soon to be) $600 or more because people wouldn't just listen to me and write me a $4 prescription. twice i've asked and my concerns were dismissed.

now who knows, i could get stuck in the hospital...

i need hugs.

the whole truth and nothing but said truth

sorry if i offend anyone with my insensitive metaphor (or technically, it's personification)... but it's the only way i can explain it.

my phone had a stroke. it was temporarily paralyzed on the left side. i called apple. of course, they were accommodating.
BUT THEN, it just magically started working again. HOURS after troubleshooting techniques! wonderful no?

i'm hearing all about relationship problems that i don't care about from a certain roommate of mine. but i'll get over it.

i miss amber. but i'm patient.

i have NO idea what i'm doing in december after i graduate. andrea will most likely be in one of three places: russellville, new york city, or los angeles.

if she is in russellville, i will be in van buren with my parents. i will most likely substitute teach for a while because i will have an easy time getting a job there.
if she is in new york city... of course, i'll be with her. we will be fulfilling a dream that has lived longer than most... umm pets that live 5 years. haha.
if she is in los angeles... i'll probably be there too. because i've never been there and i wouldn't mind living in the sun for a while!!

i'm afraid about something. a few things.

bad luck

d22023153

that's my SECOND iphone repair id number... hopefully my last.

tower over me

so everything seems so up in the air right now. getting sick and paying doctors' bills (yes, multiple bills from multiple doctors) and losing work hours... not good for the college kid.

i am better though. i took my last band-aid off yesterday... hopefully. i'm going to have hailey check it out in the morning, see how it's doing. so fingers crossed, i don't get a cyst again. however, it could happen. that doesn't leave me happy. like i said, fingers crossed!

in other news, i created a twitter. i feel more connected with ellen and dane cook. which, of course, is my lot in life. mission accomplished.

the office almost gave me a heart attack tonight. watch it if you dare.

boys still suck.

i really want to start eating a little healthier and MAYBE actually excercising once in a while. we'll see.

nicole's lingerie shower is saturday. we have the best game planned. i'm excited.

probably the most shocking news of all, it's now been over two months since i've had any communication whatsoever with adam. i feel so abandoned by him. for the entire week i had staph and didn't know one minute from the next if i was going to be hospitalized i kept thinking about it. not that i wished we were together, just that i could call him. every night around 1am i started freaking out thinking (worst case scenario, of course) that i could be VERY sick, possibly deathly, when i woke up. and my one companion that i knew i could tell anything to, was no longer a part of my life. i've honestly never felt that before. it made me so angry with him and with myself. i only wish i hadn't invested so much of myself in it. i know it's my fault. but something awful happened to me, and it could have been even worse, and he would have never known...

goodnight, i'm sad.

dodge. duck. dip. dive. and. dodge.

i haven't said anything in a while. it's because i fear there isn't anything to write about. my classes are going well, although i question some of my teachers' intelligence. i feel that they use words like "sociological" because they know it's important for the subject they're lecturing over.

i went to black church this week. it was interesting. a lot of people disagree with the preacher, but i've figured out why he's so set in his ways. he has been through so much in his life. he was very involved in the civil rights movement and fought in korea. he has had to stand up for what he believes in so often and so fervently that he is now like a stonewall. i can't argue with a man who has seen what he has or fought for what he actually fought for. he has survived it all and i respect him for that.

that made me start thinking about my life. what are people going to respect me for when i'm like 75? so far, nothing. i lived during the 9/11 attacks, but did nothing to help. except for write a poem. i did some stuff in high school with journalism and theater. but nothing that will mean anything in twenty years.

of course, this should be a good thing. no one will have to say "my grandma fought to save her own life during a riot." or something horrible like that. but still, it makes me feel so obsolete.

i'm selfish and pitiful.

miss everyone.

Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll!

I had the BEST weekend of my life. and here's the one reason for it.

It was a crisp Saturday evening when Adam took me to my first ever hockey game. The St. Louis Blues were playing the Chicago Blackhawks (this is where I break to remind you that we are cheering for St. Louis because that's where we were).
The pregame was great because the group that came to sit behind us was packed with goofy almost drunk college guys. They were witty and not overly offensive. Just my kind of guys.
Sadly, within the first two minutes the Blackhawks snuck in a far too easy goal. Soon the Blues were trailing 2-0. By the end second period, though, they had scored their first goal. In the middle of the third period, they had gotten the score up to 3-2 only trailing by one goal... however, in a hockey game, one goal means everything.
I was really getting into the game a lot more aggressively than I had anticipated. By the last 3 minutes of the third period I was so busy concentrating and getting anxious I had forgotten how much my nose felt like it had frozen and felt like it could shatter.
The end of the period drew nearer as fans were screaming louder than I'd ever heard at a live sporting event. Granted, I haven't been to one since high school.
Then AMAZINGLY in the last 18 SECONDS the Blues scored the goal that tied up the game and threw it into overtime.
The crowd was screaming, the almost drunk college guys were jumping all over the place (include on my back)...
... and then time stopped...
In an instant I had gone from screaming new fan to girl who's dreams were coming true. He took me in his arms, dipped me back as far as the stands would allow and kissed me for what seemed like an eternity (in a good way). I can't describe how much my head and my heart were working together to feel the excitement of that moment but to also remember each millisecond of the most amazing kiss I had ever received.

I think my head and my heart made a pretty good team. Never again will I watch a sports movie and see the couple kiss after the game winning score and wish that were me.



and by the way, the blues won in a shootout after a no scoring overtime. it was the greatest thing i've seen live since my high school basketball team won state in the last two seconds.

i'm emotionally slutty

i give it up on the first date.

my personality that is.

i hope we have milk. i really want some cereal.

i've been at school for two weeks.  that's two weeks less time i have to wonder what's going to happen in the future.  that's really the only way i look at time anymore.  how much longer do i have to wonder?

and there's no stopping it.  i think about it day and night.  of course, i think about necessary things too. like starving kids and God and my salvation.  but taking up a lot of my time, is wondering...    it's really hard to look at your life and really have no idea where it's going.  this is the most solid "relationship" i've ever been in and to be honest, i have NO CLUE what's going on!

i have no intention of ending it.  he doesn't either.  i have every intention of being with him, no matter where it is, how long it takes or ... well those are the only two things i can think of to be defiant toward in this situation.  so basically, my future is like this big white room with tons and tons of words on papers just lying in the floor.  there's no tape... there are no nails or tacks.  it's just papers, with words on them.  and all i know is, someday someone is going to break through that door and hand me a huge roll of tape and i can start putting my story on the wall.  i can say "dating" or "blissfully ever after" or "we're pregnant"

until then... i hope the wind doesn't blow away all the good words...

meanwhile, in an apartment across town

i'm sitting in what has been dubbed "our room" for the weekend at least. his mess is everywhere. i love it. it's what i've been missing about him for over a year now. and i couldn't be more thrilled that i came.

well, i could, if i didn't have to leave in 15 hours...

i'm a crazy girl who gets herself into stinky messes.

i couldn't help but wonder

for a great number of people living in today's world, happiness is a result of what we have. in most cases, what we buy. a great new dress can make us feel powerful. heels make us feel taller. makeup, appealing. food, instantly gratified. and entertainment, sans stress from the outside world.

the more i thought about how the things we buy affect the outlook we have on life (and ourselves), i realized how my spending has become more frugal due to america's recent and very drastic price increases. we're conserving gas, water, food, utilities, and yes, most depressing of all, our shopping allowance.

and considering how this has begun to affect each of us individually, i couldn't help but wonder, are we conserving our happiness? and if so, what for?

we're trying to be a mix of conservationist and minimalist society, but how far can that go? can we honestly accept the fact that things cost more, and therefore, our happiness? can we really stop living in a material world and stop being material girls?

i never consider myself to be such a girl. however, recently i've accepted the tiny bit of elitism that i possess. i love shopping and fashion and i'm not afraid to say it. i'd die before dating someone who frequented the cowboy hat trend, or worse, crocs. i'm not saying that i'm high fashion material by any means. in saying i love fashion, i'm saying i enjoy looking at what someone has put together and deciding if they had a clue what they were doing, or if they even looked in the mirror before they left their house.

so in saying all of this, can we accept that, along with our gas, the price of happiness has increased? and once we do (or don't), will we give in and pay the price?

and just like that

i've noticed something lately that i find interesting about the human experience while being entertained. for moments, even only a few, after a movie or television show (even a sports event), we change. for instance, dance movies always make me feel incredibly light on my feet, despite my complete lack of salsa or ballet skills. spy movies tend to convince me that i'm swift and sneaky. any movie depicting the model lifestyle makes me strut like i'm wearing dior.

why is it that i can trick myself into believing i'm something i'm not after seeing someone who is? i think that somewhere, no matter how deeply it's buried, there is a dancer, spy or model in all of us. hell, there may even be a gymnast or football player if we catch them on ESPN at the right time.

so is it really a bad thing to morph into something we wish we could be, even if it's just for 5 minutes? i guess it really all depends on how you feel at the end of the day. after the credits have rolled. after the quick stretch and yawn that inevitably comes at the end of every theater visit. and yes, after the goodnight kiss. as long as we feel like we are who we are, BUT realize that we really can be whoever we want, i think we'll all be alright with getting lost in translation somewhere between the pirouette and the final quarter.

i'm not done

"he's just an ordinary man trying to do a great man's work, while the great men are all busy making bombs."

talk about profound. i understand that this might make me sound incredibly liberal and anti-war. truth is, i have no idea where i stand on the issue. and, for now, i'm fine with having NO opinion. but i could help but to think it was something beautiful to be said. not just about scientists and doctors and... well other "geniuses" who are dedicating their lives to at least trying to make the world a little better of a place to live.

i don't really even know how i'm going to expound on his point. but maybe i'll figure something out later.

freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.

one important thing.  i love janis joplin.  i knew i would.  and i do.

there's something about coming back to places you haven't been in a while that is strange.  for instance, i visited searcy this weekend.  being here on a visit is very weird to me.  i am glad i came because i missed EVERYONE.  but it's weird that people were here that i used to see every day... and i wasn't.  it's almost like i completely dropped out and it's an actual school year.  whatever, it's weird.

i finally have a nice black skirt to wear so i can wear my sexy new shoes.  that's good.  i know none of this is important.

but this is.  why is it that with one man, women can be completely comfortable with (in more ways than one)  but others, we automatically turn into an adolescent who has no idea how to act around the opposite sex?  is it that the men are different?  or worse, is it true that we really have no idea what we want?

like all ladies, i find myself feeling lonely from time to time.  and sometimes, wishing there was just someone who'll hold me.  also, sometimes i find myself way too nervous around men to even sit close to them on a bench.  am i lying to myself on what kind of woman i am?  have i been doing this to myself and men my entire life??

yes, yes i have.

i forgot who i was around him

so when he came back into my life as a for real companion, i panicked.
every time an old friend re-enters my life i can easily fall back into that personality. the one i had while i was with them. you know, cynical. or bubbly, or you know, just a plain bitch. sometimes i was overly dramatic. so obviously, i feel like a different person with every single one of my friends.

so while i was panicking, i thought, ok well we'll just see if i fall back into whoever it was.

and you know what i found. me. i was exactly myself. no gimmicks. no games. no overly cynical witicisms. not nauseatingly bubbly. just a girl. hanging out with her friends. with no inhibitions.

i realized how much i liked myself when i was with him. how uncomplicated of a girl i could be. i have never been more comfortable around anyone. then i thought, oh crap, i'm going to throw girlfriends into the mix and things will get completely weird. and they didn't. at all. he saw me again. still! the same natalie i always was.

so this is me. thanking God for such a good friend. because this is one of the first times i've truly enjoyed being who i am in a long, long time.

it's up to you

i had a terrible dream. i married an ex. the most recent one... yuck. and basically he was a dead beat. duh!

i kept having to make excuses for him and why he wasn't around and didn't seem very interested in me.

so, friends, you can't let me marry someone like that. you'll all have PLENTY of opportunities to see if he's the guy for me. and, TACTFULLY tell me what you think.

<3

i'm getting carried away

to begin, i should let everyone know i've started watching sex and the city. a lot. all the time.
i know you'll all wonder who i'm talking about. and guess what, i'm not telling you. if i haven't already... amber...

:late night text message to...someone... at 3:21 am on june 14th/15th:
" so i'm still up, but this is all i have to say. over the span of our friendship i've found myself missing so many things about you. your hug, your smile, your ticklishness. even your f***ing video games. but now, for the first time, i've found myself missing your kiss"
**yes, a strategically placed f*** can bring preciousness to any gesture of love**

guys, don't judge me for what i'm writing here. i know you all know me. and this isn't "news" to any of you... but there's someone new... but not new. the feelings are though.

i wish i could say this is the first time i've considered a VERY serious relationship with someone. but it's not... i can't even say that it's different this time because we've known each other for years... because i've always "known them for years."

i can, however, say i had loved him since the first time i met him. even it was a silly girl thing, i knew we would have something special. and we did. we do. it's our friendship.

there really is something to be said for falling for your best friend. your best friend knows you. they've always called you for company while running errands. they take naps with you, rub your back. they make sure you don't cry alone, and are NEVER going to say "i just need some space." the best friend is the one that has seen you without make-up. has smelled the worst of your bad breath. has already found out the nerdiest of your nerdy qualities and only loves you more for them. (and vice-versa)

so, when you finally give in to the love for a best friend, you find yourself asking... how long have we actually been a couple? sure we'd never sworn each other to monogamy. we didn't regularly kiss when saying goodnight. but when you have had months worth of intimacy where the only thing missing is... you know... you have to be proud of what you have accomplished. you've shared almost everything when someone and they didn't flee. you've even been crazy enough to test your boundaries and TRIED to annoy them and the son-of-a-bitch still won't budge.

i'm telling you... this is good.

so no, i can't say it's the first time, but you never know when it's your last.

wish me luck.